|Found this, and a few others like it,|
on my phone two weeks after the
incident happened. I don't
remember taking pictures and had
no clue these were there.
And while I expect these bodily symptoms to fully pass with time and rest, I am fearful that the emotional ramifications of this walk are lingering in a way that may prove to be permanent. Bruising my pride and mettle, the fact that I have never before fallen out from under my own vigilance and become prey to a low has me unsure of my own abilities -- the symptoms were there, but they weren't what I'm used to and they progressed faster than I ever had hope to catch. Unconfident in my hypoglycemic awareness and insecure in my capability to execute independent action, I feel like my lifetime's accomplishment of adult autonomy collapsed along side my body on that path and both shattered into an all too scary reality of helplessness. I was fortunate this go around to be with a friend who is capable of action in the face of crisis, but the reality is that I am at the mercy of my blood sugar and, in the bleakest of moments, all I can do is pray that the circumstances I find myself - and potentially my children - in isn't life threatening and that someone capable of help is at hand.
But where does that leave me? Should I risk a solo-training run or wait for a pair of babysitters - one for the kids and one for myself? Is another solo half marathon even remotely responsible? Does that first alarm on my glucose monitor mean the heads-up it has historically or should the cavalry be called in to forcefully drive my sugars back up from whence they'd come? Must I broadcast my disease as my summary introduction or does my name still suffice? Should I resign my aggressive glucose control for my nursing or potential future pregnancies and accept a higher HgA1c for the "safety" buffer it places between me and hypoglycemic oblivion? What of the organ damage such a compromise would present -- do I risk dialysis, neuropathy and blindness to guard against seizure and unconsciousness?
Half of me feels the answers to these questions are crystal clear and the other half is no longer sure. I've worked so damn hard these past four years to have my sugars under tight control that the corresponding risk of increased hypoglycemia is logically increased, but at what point does one's good intentions cause right to become wrong? I thought I knew, but now... I don't know.