Friday, September 13, 2013

Endo Check Up

I am so beyond frustrated with myself for having thoroughly dropped the ball on my blog posts recently... with the best of intentions I keep logging on to start writing and then immediately get distracted by something shinny and wind up hitting save after typing the most basic reference note to come back to in my "free time."  What with unpacking the new house, GW starting pre-school, GV being just moments away from walking and trying to really sink my teeth into my work with Team RWB, I've hardly had time for sleep let alone a coherently written sentence.  Fortunately for tonight, however, I told myself that I am not allowed to unpack another box until I put on background noise and, in order to do that, I decided I need to publish at least one timely blog update first.

So here it is.  

I went in for my every three month check up with the Endocrinologist this past Wednesday, Sept 11.  Beyond the issue that I couldn't provide recent blood glucose logs to her because I've lost my pump download USB in the move, I knew going into the appointment that it wouldn't be a stellar one.  The last couple months have been beyond difficult for me and not because of stress from running, Vermont or any of the other drama that has magically appeared, but because of the gosh darn fact that I'm diabetic.  I'm just done with it and I don't want to play any more.

I am sick of checking my blood sugar so often that my forearms get bruised and my finger tips are painful to touch.  I am sick of needing to count every dang tortilla chip I eat to make sure my carb counting is right.  I am tired of shopping for clothes with an eye to where to put/hide my pump rather than what actually looks good.  I'm frustrated that people glare at me in mass because my "pager" is going off.  I'm annoyed that my training runs resemble more of a staccato sprint than a crescendo of distance because of carb stops.  And, dagnabbit, I am jealous that HB gets a milkshake with his meal and doesn't bat an eye at the massive amount carbs he's inhaling absentmindedly.  It's just not fair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know - life isn't fair.  And, yeah, I got it - God gives us what we can handle.  But that doesn't diminish the acrid reality that chronic is as chronic does and I don't want to "is" or "does" any more.  And, going into my appointment today, I knew that this attitude would come back to bite me  in the butt with my HgA1C reading.

Back at the beginning of June, my A1C was a 5.8  - which as you recall is within the limits of "normal." Today, it's up to 6.1, which in all reality is pretty tight for most diabetics, but is wildly loose for this one.  Between my current (hopefully ephemeral) apathy for the disease and an increasing difficulty with hypo- and hyperglycemic awareness it was no surprise to me that the numbers were up into the abnormal range, however marginal. I rationally understand that I need to do better and that it's just a matter of exerting a bit more effort into self-care, but, seriously, what stay at home Mom has time for self-care? Maybe some have figured it out, but I certainly haven't.

Of course, Dr. Rogacz was generally encouraging as usual and, knowing me far too well, she went out of her way to merely make a gentle nudge on the CGM topic rather than hit me over the head with my own bad attitude.   The latter would probably have been far more effective and appropriate, but I think she knew that I'm ready to give in to her this time anyway and give a CGM a chance since I'm already blowing off active participation in my disease... and since HB wont let me do that (however super model skinny that'd enable me to be) and our NFP requires better of me, I'm planting a white flag of general diabetes resignation and forfeiting the other half of my abdomen to Dexcom.

Sigh...

I don't know what my deal is... perhaps I'm just overextended?  I'm trying my hardest to be the best parent, wife, catholic and veteran advocate I can be, but I know I need to seriously step up my game at writing, home decorating and (oh yeah, supposedly doing a marathon) running -- maybe if I drop out of diabetes 101 the rest of life's course work wouldn't seem so heavy?  Figures, the one thing I don't want, is the absolute one thing I can't get rid of...

Diabetes, I seriously don't like you.

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