Monday, January 21, 2013


For the past several weeks I have been fighting tooth and nail with the word "can't."  I can't cook dinner with a migraine.  I can't nurse GV and "rock-a-baby" GW simultaneously.  I can't test my blood sugar one handed.  I can't find a spare moment to write more than a sentence or two at a time.  I can't fit my new books onto the already full bookshelves.  I can't get GW to take his (much needed) nap - and consequently I can't take a (much needed) nap.  I can't get a quality resolution picture of GV with my camera phone.  And, the cherry on top of it all, I can't stand GW saying the word "can't."

I guess my little sponge has picked up on my repetitive use of the word lately and has usurped it for his own use.  I shouldn't blame him for adopting the vocabulary he hears - I mean, at least we don't use vulgar language around him - but you can imagine my annoyance with his perfectly quipped and quick response to "go to time out" being a simple "I can't." Fortunately, being infinitely wiser than he at age 3 (wiser sounds much better than older, don't you agree?), I have miraculously found maternal ways to overcome such toddler identified inabilities; unfortunately, the limitations I find myself facing aren't quite as easily solved by sitting in the green and white striped chair in his room for some predetermined number of minutes.  Granted, GW regularly tries to send me to said chair and I'm sure he would love to see me work through my "case of the can'ts" from the corner, but the double sided nature of being Mom is that while I'm immune to such punishment, my problems are as well.  Seeing as I can't shake my troubles that way, I'm forced to find alternative methods of treatment... which appears to be gripping about them here.

Now, I could spend the next several paragraphs writing about any number of things I can't stand or can't fix, but when it comes down to it there is only one thing that has me completely infuriated: my inability to make air rise.  Scientifically speaking this should be a God given faculty that I share with every other human being on earth - I mean it is a known fact that warm air rises and that density has a correlational relationship to gravity - but for whatever reason I am physically impaired in this department.  Let me explain:

Scenario One:  When I do an infusion change, I have to attach a new reservoir to an insulin vial in order to fill it with the appropriate number of units to last me two to three days.  I make sure that the reservoir is full of air, I attach it to the top of the vial, inject the air and invert the vial.  By doing this I create pressure in the vial and enable the insulin to transfer containers more easily when I pull the plunger back down and suck insulin into the reservoir.  At this point I need to get all of the remaining air in the reservoir back into the vial so that I do not wind up with air pockets in my pump tubing, so I tap the side of the reservoir to make the bubbles rise and then I inject them back into the vial.

Only problem is that I can tap, flick, even bang the reservoir until my fingers bleed, my pencil breaks or the reservoir flies off at impact on the table and I still can't get those fricking air bubbles to rise.  They stubbornly stick to the bottom or side of the reservoir and I can imagine them cackling at my frustration each time they evade my scientific understanding of liquid vs. gas.

It's maddening.

Scenario Two:  My little GV is a phenomenal eater.  At seven weeks old, she has put on just under four pounds since birth and she's starting to put 2 + 2 together and she makes a beautiful smile every time I pick her up to nurse.  She usually nurses for twenty to forty minutes at each feeding and, typically, she needs to be burped once in the middle and once at the end.

Unfortunately, however, no matter how I attempt to burp her or how many times I pat her on the back I can't get that gorgeous little girl to eruct! I'll spend an infuriating amount of time attempting to fix my loosing record, but every time I wind up needing to pass her off to HB who immediately gets her to burp within seconds of the exchange.

Again, maddening.

After attempting what feels like every possible technique change known to man, I don't know what else I can do to change such obnoxious inabilities.  I've tried hard to be creative in my solutions (and yes, I've even tried time outs) but sometimes it just seems like the deck is stacked against me and there is just no winning.  I'm trying my darnedest to cut the can'ts out and to implement a more can-do optimism to my naturally pessimistic self, particularly for GW's vocabulary sake, but with frustration and annoyance I am throwing my hands up and leaving the raising of air to the rest of humanity.

Perhaps there is something else, like the completion of this blog post for example, I actually can do something about... take that can't I'm attempting a come back!

Left: My fall 2009 can-do solution to GW wanting to be held
and the necessity to finish a grad school research paper.
Right:  My can-do solution to GV wanting to be held and
the need to complete summer 2013 course reading.   

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