Monday, November 19, 2012

Absolutely Awful Apprehension of Apposite Amnio

Is it just me or is there unjust alliteration in the pairing of "anxiety" and "amniocentesis"?

With the way things have been going since Friday given the increased contractions and labor symptoms I'm having, I'm a bit surprised that Baby isn't here already and that I'm actually facing the needle tomorrow...  Which, obviously, I'm not thrilled about it.  I know that amnios are done regularly and, heck, my mother even had one with me, but given the number of times I see my blood each day and the normalcy of needles in my life I am not terribly ecstatic for yet another excuse to introduce a long sharp needle to my torso.

Perhaps I'm just being a big baby (please refrain from commenting in the affirmative here), but there's just something about the idea of a needle going through my abdominal wall and into my uterus that has me thoroughly freaked out.  It's my basic understanding that it's a generally uncomfortable procedure with very little risk to Baby given the simultaneous use of ultrasound, but I'm kind of done with additional pain and I truly want nothing to do with the stress of further testing.  What's more, I'm not entirely sure what the doctors are going to use the results for in the first place... Amniotic fluid testing during the third trimester of pregnancy is done to check on fetal lung development to ensure that they're mature enough to work properly outside of the uterus.  But with the way my blood sugars have been dropping so dangerously over the past couple weeks, the doctors are talking about taking her out (I don't know if this means induction or c-section at this point) this week and the amnio results they come up with are kind of irrelevant if they think the placenta is too unstable to sustain her until next Tuesday any way.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not scared of the needle or of the pain associated with it.  I've come to accept needles as a given - kind of like the reoccurrence of morning, the unavoidable existence of taxes or the simple fact that all dinosaurs poop (thank you for that insightful revelation Buddy and Tiny Pteranodon).  The part that freaks me out is that this is something I have no prior context to gauge it in and therefore no way to know what to expect, and, also, that the results will either reinforce the current concerns that she needs to be delivered sooner rather than later or that she's got a rough week ahead of her either fighting a failing placenta or struggling to breath on her own.   Bottom line, I'm finding it scary and overwhelming to be counting down the final eight days of pregnancy without even a hint of reprieve from complication... I'd hoped to end this pregnancy on a high, spontaneous labor note but at this point I'm too tired to expend the emotional capital of hoping for something I cannot within reasonable doubt expect.  She'll come out, but only after we've bared the difficulty of pregnancy right to the bitter end.

With my first pregnancy, I went into labor on my own at week 36 and five days -- which would have been yesterday in this pregnancy.  Seeing that this pregnancy is already longer than that with GW (not just by 24 hours, but also 12 weeks longer to be excessively literal), I'm feeling quite a bit frustrated that my water hasn't broken, that labor hasn't simply started and that the anxiety of bringing this baby into the world is dragging on...   Each morning I wake up feeling like another eternity awaits me over the coming 24 hours and given all the complications we've seen over the last nine months, each minute of those hours brings me closer to the end of my rope and a hopelessly emotional precipice.  Now that I know how wonderful being a mom is and how much my babies matter to me, the stakes are higher than ever and I just want to know she's healthy, she's safe and that we've made it across the finish line together, in tact.

I know that doing the amnio is the right thing to do as far as the Perinatal Associates of NOVA are concerned and, as such, I'm on board and will let you know what we come up with.  But for the sake of honesty, my nerves currently have the best of me and I'd definitely appreciate an extra prayer to be sent up for me in the morning if you've got one...  Saint Gerard Mejella please intercede for me!

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