Thursday, September 20, 2012

Peanut Butter

I don't know who I dislike more at the moment - Mr. Diabetes or Mr. Pregnancy. Those two (grumble, grumble, grumble) have a sick, sick, sick sense of humor and while you'd think that they'd be sworn enemies, oh no! THEY have to get together and play the not-so-funny-haha game of jokey-joke on me...

So get this: one of my favorite foods of all time has always been peanut butter. The smooth kind, none of that chunky boohockey.  I've grown up with it on everything - pb&j, pb and honey, pb and banana (thank you Elvis) and even pb on an otherwise classic blt.  Last week even, while waiting for HB's waffle breakfast to be ready I grabbed a spoon and the jar (okay fine, I have three jars in the pantry) of Skippy from the shelf.  He looks at me and asks what I'm going to put the pb on and I think my eyes must have doubled in size and my jaw must have hit the floor because, really, what kind of question is that?! 

Um... the spoon.  Hello.

Despite my efforts to convert him otherwise, HB is one of those on the fence kind of people who likes peanut butter as a sandwich option on a regular, but disbursed kind of basis.  You know, a freelance peanut butter-er, a non-connoisseur.  After three years of marriage you'd think I'd have made more progress, but alas he still asks the "cooking" questions with the obvious answers.  Maybe he'll get it next year?

Now I'm sure there are those of you out there that think that is crazy (don't knock the pb-blt until you've tried it!) or that peanut butter is "icky," but to you all I have to say is THANK GOD, MORE FOR ME.  If you don't grab the last jar from the shelf at the grocery store then I have a shot of getting it - and by God, I'm not going to let go of that sucker!!

Well... now that I've firmly established that I'm a bit of a freak when it comes to spreadable nut-paste, enter the excessively disturbing, horrifically mean world of diabetes and pregnancy:

So Mr. Diabetes and Mr. Pregnancy walk into the kitchen and take a seat at the breakfast bar.  They look around for the house head chef (aka ME) and, knowing the coast is clear, begin their clandestine rendezvous:

Mr. Pregnancy looks at Mr. Diabetes and says, "so, uh, you got the intel I asked for?"

Mr. Diabetes: "Yeah, I got it.  It's good stuff too... but if I'm gonna do this, I need more than basic tactical support to make it worth my while..."

Looking strategically ambivalent Mr. Pregnancy responds: "So what's the job?"

Mr. Diabetes:  "Get this, the target is totally digging peanut butter... and I've pulled some strings and managed to override her blood sugar to be non-responsive to it."

Mr. Pregnancy, looking very pleased: "Dang, that is good work... How about I have peanut butter make her neauseus?"

Mr. Diabetes:  "Perfect. Couldn't have planned that better on my own."

Mr. Pregnancy: "I know."


Thought you were going to read a joke, huh?  I wish.  Not so friggin funny in the end - peanut butter being a diabetes-friendly carb-filled food and totally not third trimester pregnancy kosher! UG!  I mean when I went off of kale after my morning sickness in GW's pregnancy I didn't feel like I was loosing anything... I mean it is kale for crying out loud! Just use chard or something, but PEANUT BUTTER?! Are you kidding me?! 

So.  Not.  Funny.

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